A Sambu by Any Other Name

Like a rapidly increasing number of widowed seniors, I have made the decision not to remarry. After nearly forty years of marriage, I felt that I had done sufficient honor to the institution. Fortunately, I found a loving man who felt the same way I did. We wanted to care for one another without inviting legal and government intrusions into our lives with the potential for disinheriting our children.

I expected a certain amount of raised moral eyebrow over our decision. In fact, I have found none. The difficulties have come from an entirely unexpected quarter: the English language. English, in fact, has no word that can adequately describe a committed relationship between seniors.

The difficulty emerged almost immediately when we were in a social setting. Girlfriend or boyfriend is ridiculous as a description for two adults of advancing years. The word friend did not do justice to the relationship. Companion sounded as if I was being paid to provide nursing services. Life companion sounded ominous. Partner sounded as if we were about to open a MacDonalds franchise. Domestic Partner sounded like a gas stove. Consort sounded pretentious unless the word prince occurred before it.

We even considered getting officially engaged so that we could use the word fiancée. In fact, we did that for a while. It was true enough that if we were to get married it would be to each other. But in the end there was something not quite honest. Anyway, we didn’t have an answer when asked when we planned to set the date. It seemed better to just abandon it.

Then Sid came up with the idea of virtual spouse. This came about when he was doing a genealogical chart for his family. He wanted to include me but clearly. He wrote vs beside my name and has been explaining ever since. I suppose we could use the word spouse with our own definition. But that’s getting very close to the idea of marriage and if I were to get married again, I want the bells and whistles: the bended knee, the ceremony, and the reception. I refuse to let myself be married by language proxy.

So my conclusion is that the English language needs a word comparable to the Swedish sambu. It is very common in Sweden for people to live together (sambu means just that) before marriage. The Swedes are very clear about the reasons to get married. In the guestbook of a church in Malmo one couple has signed in with stick figures. The female figure is clearly pregnant. The concept of sambu is so well established that the airlines even place ads saying “Take along your wife or your sambu.”

I thought about adopting the Swedish word. English can certainly do this. We take words from every other language we come across: think tsunami and pyjamas for example. The big problem though is finding enough seniors who speak Swedish to start the trend.

Perhaps Sid came up with the best suggestion the last time I raised this issue in frustration. “So how are we going to describe ourselves in future?” I said plaintively. He just smiled at me beatifically and replied “Lucky.”