Fairy Tales Our Parents Taught Us

This new business with Tiger Woods has prompted me to revisit the whole concept of relations between men and women and what we think we know about them. In our culture, we expect a monogamous relationship, partly because that’s what our various religions promote but also because, for good or bad, our society has decided the primary beneficiaries of marriage should be the children and children do better, we are told, in stable, two-person relationships.

Obviously, not every culture agrees and there have been and are societies that foster multiple marriages, mostly increasing the number of permitted wives in what seems the idea that if you can afford her, you can have her. Interestingly (to me anyway), examples of marriages with multiple husbands don’t come quickly to mind—mine anyway. I must admit to a bizarre admiration for anyone who can satisfy and keep happy multiple partners; it seems hard enough to maintain a positive relationship with just one, human beings as complex as they are. Again, though, that’s just me.

Still, I found myself thinking about this whole business between men and women and marriage as I watched Tiger Woods venture into the tabloid media and lose forever any semblance of privacy. He’s going to be the Paris Hilton or Brittney Spears of the golf world ever after. I hope he’s got a strategy for dealing with the inevitable heckling when he’s on the golf course again (we do so like to create heroes and then judge them).

The problem is, in my humble view, this culture tries to define the roles of men and women from two conflicting viewpoints, power and so-called “family” values.

Many young women—I’ll start with them since I know them better—have all too often been encouraged to look on marriage as salvation. The myth of Snow White says it all. The man is supposed to be rich and powerful to deserve her. All she has to be is beautiful. Through her husband, she can enter a world of power (his) and comfort (provided by him) and all she has to do is have children (to cement her position in his life and his bank account), maintain a household, and keep herself in shape.

Unfortunately, this world outlook has a lot of pitfalls and a great many drawbacks. For one thing, it makes the woman/wife completely dependent. It also makes her vulnerable to other marauding women who envy her lifestyle and would like to replace her. This is particularly the case when the husband is famous and wealthy. I’d say attractive, but that doesn’t seem to be a requirement as long as the bank account is.

I’ve been watching a marriage here in Colorado where this pattern plays out. Not that he’s rich and attractive, but he is the breadwinner and she’s never worked. She is completely dependent on him and he doesn’t try to hide his contempt for her. Of course, this is the failing of both parties, but because she doesn’t want to work she’s made a deal with the devil in order to be kept. He derives pleasure from the feeling of power over her lack of power. A sick example of this pattern, but I think it makes my point.

Many young men, on the other hand, seem to be socialized to compete for the trappings of power. Cars, boats, technology—all are advertised with pictures of provocative models—young women who fit the culture’s idea of beauty. The message is clear: earn big bucks and you’re entitled to the benefits. It doesn’t matter if your breath melts plastic or your stomach pours over your belt, you’re entitled to all your money can buy. Unfortunately, there are any number of women only too willing to be bought.

Hence Tiger Woods’ problem. He has a gorgeous wife and gorgeous children and “family values” say that should be enough. But at the same time he’s wealthy and operating in the world of power, best exemplified by Bill Clinton who answered “Because I could” when asked why he’d strayed..

When men stray, there are the inevitable defenses and accusations. I read in somebody’s blog that it must be Woods’ wife’s fault since she must not have been giving him enough sex. Don’t ask me how the blogger came to that conclusion since she’s had a child recently and they must have had sex sometime. Someone else I know said straying is built in to the entire male sex since they would all do it given the opportunity. Well, I don’t see where that is true either.

So I think we need to take a look at the fairy tales we’ve been force fed, particularly about marrying princes and princesses or even, in this case, contracting celebrity weddings. Being the best golfer in the world doesn’t really mean Tiger can have every bimbo and gold digger on the planet without having his business sold to the National Enquirer. Nor does being married to power and money really mean that the happy-ever-after and the prince of his wife’s dreams were ever guaranteed.