The X Tours of Coffee

The other day I went into Starbucks to get the usual: a tall decaf Americano with room. I usually get the order wrong in this highly complex world of baristas and cups of coffee that cost well over $4. Sure enough, my order was translated to become one tall with room decaf Americano. Ordering coffee has become an art. The monthly special is peppermint mocha gingerbread latte. In addition to the three flavored syrups, the coffee can be made with a variety of choices: decaf, regular, or half of each; number of shots (at least one person has six); types of milk including cream (yes some people actually have hot whipped cream), organic, soy, half and half, 2%, or skim; then the extras: whip or no whip, dry or wet, foam or no foam, extra hot. All must be asked for in the right order as little Xs snake down the side of the cup. There is a lot of social responsibility to ordering coffee.

How long ago it seems that we were happy with a cup of joe and a doughnut to dunk in it.

But it’s not only the coffee that’s gone high tech. It’s also the equipment to make it. No more metal pots with little glass knobs on top burbling away on the stove. Today’s
espresso machines remind me of the old steam tractors: polished brass, hissing valves, and steaming fluid. I like to watch the cups lined up in an assembly line along the shelf beside these gods of foam. They look like something out of a Charlie Chaplin movie.

But even that’s not all. Coffee today is more than high tech. It’s global. Our local Starbucks will give you a free coffee if you bring a picture of you outside another Starbucks. These pictures are pinned on the wall. They now cover the world from the Forbidden City in China to Turkey to Russia and all throughout Europe and the Americas. They show that Starbucks is now literally everywhere and that ordinary people have gone literally everywhere. This amazes me.

When I was a child a holiday meant camping up in the mountains or driving to the beach. We even went for a vacation once on a Greyhound bus. A trip to Europe or Hawaii required years of savings and, once taken, was trotted out for company with the help of slide projectors. Those who were wealthy enough had other ways to flaunt their travels. Suitcases used to be plastered with labels from exotic places: the Danieli in Venice, the Hotel Geneve, the Waldorf-Astoria, the Royal Hawaiian Hotel, all showing the cachet of their owners. You never see those labels any more. I suppose they look gauche now that such travel is within most people’s reach. Such status symbols as remain are more discreet—a luggage tag from the Concorde (allowed since it no longer flies) or a golden membership key from some exclusive London club. For most people the immortality of having been somewhere seems to survive only on the wall at Starbucks.

Far be it for me to complain. I’ve had a couple of free coffees myself. But what is going to happen when all the Starbucks have been visited and duly photographed? It has to happen. The world is a finite place after all. Some time in the future, people wanting a free coffee will find themselves challenged to find new frontiers. But where will these be found?

I have to admit I drew a blank for some time on this question.Then one day the answer came to me. Why doesn't Starbucks offer Generation-X Coffee Tours designed for those who wish to lift their coffee cups where no one has gone before. This could be a whole new business opportunity for Starbucks and we could look foward to seeing signs for the Starbucks Travel Agency on every street corner.

I love that idea. I can see endless possibilities. It can't fail among the adrenaline group who love to outrun avalanches. So in the spirit of adventure, I’d like to be among the first to offer some suggestions for the first tours that might attract these intrepid coffee drinkers:

Seven days in Tibet: Learn about the contribution of yak milk to the global economy. Thrill to your hands-on lessons in milking this wonderful animal. Then taste the richness of yak milk in your coffee as you travel to neighboring Nepal to celebrate the opening of the first Starbucks in that country.

Explore the Euphrates: Fly by helicopter to visit one of the world’s oldest civilizations, the cradle of coffee brewing. You and your party will have lunch in the shadow of one of the largest oil wells in the area and receive an expert briefing on dousing oil well fires. Your tour will include useful hints in avoiding roadside bombs and how to dive into a trench without spilling your coffee.

Conquering the Mountains of Afghanistan: Experience the challenge of scaling untamed mountains and meet friendly local tribesmen who will gladly sell you their local product, a perfect gift for that special someone back home. You will stay in a native hut and sip coffee while you participate in group discussions about the impact of the DaVinci Code on Muslim culture. As an added bonus, you can win a year’s supply of coffee beans if you spot insurgents and call in an air strike.

I have to confess that I am not young enough to experience these wonderful opportunities, so my motives are pure. I just want to see coffee enrich our lives even further. And I know that anyone who can order a venti, half decaf, six shot, sugar free vanilla syrup, half skim, no whip, no foam, extra hot latte in one breath will certainly be in shape for the adventure.

Yak milk anyone?